Explosion of suppressed emotion

I was ruled very strictly from mom, never allowed to against to her even in the period of rebelliousness, just followed what mom said.

That period she said often, “If you quit Jehovah’s witness, I will kick you out from house.” I was believed what she said. I wanted to get out from jail of Jehovah’s witness but I was afraid to kick out and just follow what she said.

That time, my brother was working in rental video shop near my house. I visit him often to rent movies. Usually I was watching simple Hollywood action movie.

Once in a month my brother took me to watch movie in cinema, He is 7 years older than me. That time he was playing bass in experimental rock band. He loves artistic things. When he take me to cinema, he always take me to the movie with content and message. Not like simple Hollywood action movie.

What he took me after my 17 years old birthday was “Pulp Fiction” this movie wins prize in Cannes Film Festival, quite famous movie. Many people may watch it but I explain it briefly anyway.

It is kind of gangsta movie with elaborate scenario, fashionable cloth and lines, nice sense and nice timing of music. This is kind of movie some people really loves it and some people don’t get it at all.

It was very powerful movie for me. It was really shocking and fascinated. I was influenced a lot, I felt I want to be gang like them.

This movie triggered me to decide to independent from mom and Jehovah’s witness. This movie switched on my consciousness. Strongly shake my ego which already reached critical point.

I afraid to kicked out from house but this movie made me think to if I kicked out, I gonna do crime to survive life or even I become homeless beggar, I prefer to have freedom!!

This decision was extremely strong thing, it was most brave action in my whole life until now. 17 years old kid to be ready to become homeless is really serious thing. But I’ve never rebellion to mom, even I’ve never rebellion to anyone.

I didn’t have confident to tell by talk.  After long deep consideration, I decide to write long letter.

It was long time ago, I don’t remember what I wrote exactly. I wrote something like “I feel like I’m a goods pulled by train but that direction is not where I want to go. I want to go to where I want to go by my own intention.”

It was end of summer holiday in August, ever since that time I stop go to meeting of Jehovah’s witness. Same time I stop going to school, also close communication with mother.

I was ready to kicked out from house, but mother’s saga, she didn’t kick me out.

For her, meaning of quit Jehovah’s witness is same meaning as commit suicide. In her point of view, I’m a sinful sheep go into path of death of devil instead of live in paradise happily forever.


Quit high school, then went to Peru

I was quit high school in these flow of quit everything. But everyone in family against to this idea. They all said at least wait until graduate.

But I didn’t see any future in graduate that stupid high school, that time I was interested to work in world of cinema or TV. They don’t care about education, all about sense and talent. I explained to everyone patiently, finally I quit high school.

In my point of view from now, it was truly great decision. I want to praised myself.

After quit Jehovah’s witness and high school, suddenly I got so much time. I was just new born human, I didn’t know how to spend time, I was just keep play computer game and read comics.

In that timing, my sister going to marry with guy from Peru and they going to make marriage party in Peru. They met through society of Jehovah’s witness.

Same time somehow I go to Peru as well. I don’t remember what was my motives to go to Peru, probably I don’t have anywhere to go.

Now I know, my mom don’t wanted to stay with me in house because in her point of view, I’m committing to suicide. Also her secret motives was send me as watchdog to protect my sister and husband to make love before get marriage (taboo for Jehovah’s witness) .

My sister was already moved to Peru, I going to follow her later.

This is how I went oversea country first time as 17 years old kid alone.


To be continued…

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