Go to meditation center
After busking days in Bangkok, I jump on to train to go down south to Thai Buddhism temple “Suan mokk”.
They make 10 days silent meditation course for foreigners. I came here 2 years ago, and I liked a lot.
They have hot spring inside of meditation center, space for yoga, beautiful place to walk around.
One thing I didn’t like last time was how they teach meditation. Not so easy to understand for me compare with “Goenka Vipassana meditation center” I used to go often.
This time I took this opportunity of retreat for take good rest and grounding myself because I was feeling tired often while I was in Romania. I didn’t know why I felt so tired, I didn’t do so much things, mostly using computer for compose songs and organize my business situation.
When I came to register, Japanese lady who work there is interviewed me.
She has very shiny energy, immediately I felt I can trust her.
I told her I did 11 times of 10 days meditation in past, and it was mostly in Goenka vipassana meditation center. Then she told me difference between Goenka style meditation and Suan mokk style meditation, she said if I follow Suan mokk style anapana meditation, I can observe myself more easy and relax.
I was thinking to do Goenka style vipassana meditation in retreat but I decide to follow what she said at least while I’m in there.
She mentioned me there is many beginners in retreat, I may disappoint if I compare with Goenka meditation center. I already knew about it because I came here 2 years ago as well.
Reconfirm of awakening experience
Then course was started, after two days passed, I realize people who came there are really really beginner, I felt I just get disturbed from them.
I went to that Japanese lady again and ask her permission to let me keep stay in room to meditate, instead of join to their activity of walking meditation and discourse.
She allowed me to do it and she gave me Japanese book of explaining anapana meditation.
Since day 3, I stop go out from my room except for yoga and food and hot spring. Just staying in room, observing how my breath in and out. Sometime sit up, sometime lay down, sometime fall sleep.
I start read that book of anapana meditation, it explains about 16 steps of reach enlightenment. I follow each step one by one.
Every step I passed through, I thought next step could be more difficult and I’ve never learned before. One by one I passed and in the end I passed all 16 steps.
Oh that’s it?
I done all these 16 step in my past meditation experience long time ago. I’m not in that state all the time but most of time I’m there. I was kind of knew about I done all process, but this time I confirmed one by one and I accept I’m already awaken in this Buddhism process as well.
It was good trigger for me to completely accept who I am. Because I blocked myself to accept I’m already awaken even I had strong spiritual experience about become one with God and universe and all parallel reality.
Now I can be completely myself without any doubt. I just follow my truth inside of me. I always did but it wasn’t 100% all the time.
This is one of the best gift I received in this retreat.
Another nice gift was I could rest and digest all my thought deeply.
I had very strong awakening experience when I was living in cave in canaria island about half year ago.
I met very high level awakened Czech old lady there. Because of her I could really understood everything absolutely perfect as it is.
Everybody going through their own awakening process in their own speed. Some of them awake very early like Buddha or Jesus. Some of them needs to go through many many more reincarnations to awake. Don’t need to judge others by slow or fast, everybody go through their own process on their perfect timing.
It was very deep understanding. I can not write everything in this post, I’ll explain in future little by little.
I was digesting this understanding for these half year, it was very strong back ground process for my brain, that’s why I felt tired all the time. Now I had very good digesting time in this retreat, finally I feel clear and energize.
Awareness in meditation
In these process of understanding, I released my deep condition of my belief about love relationship status. I understood stay as single is nothing lower than having good relationship with partner.
I created image about someone who having nice relationship is better person than someone who don’t have that. I guess most of people think this way.
My understanding is everybody absolutely equally wonderful as they are. Doesn’t matter their relationship status, doesn’t matter what they do or how they are. Even they are happy or sad, they are equally great human being.
Before I understanding this, I had tiny negativity in deep in my mind. It usually hidden behind of daily life but when I consciously stop doing any action for some hours, it come up to the surface conscious.
I didn’t know what is it, I thought it is condition to be human being, there is tiny negativity deep in bottom of mind and no one can do anything. What human can do is just accept as it is.
But this time I understood it is my own creation by my belief system. I created that reality because I believed if I don’t have perfect relationship, I’m not good enough.
I didn’t have opportunity to confirm this is true or not, because I was busy with daily life. This time of retreat was perfect opportunity for confirm this idea.
9th day of retreat, I decide to not do anything even meditation. Just lay down or sit up in my bed. Do nothing. Not thinking specific thing, not meditate, not walk around except for food and toilet. Just do nothing.
Then I realize I’m absolutely calm and happy without doing anything, just complete as I am.
I didn’t felt so complete for long time since 3 years ago. I was thinking how many times I had this complete feeling. It was only 7 times I had in my life. I felt really good but not high, just calm and peace.
End of meditation course
I finished retreat in perfect condition. Even though I don’t recommend this retreat center for everyone. People are speaking to each other while silent retreat. and teaching was not so easy to understand even they teach great things. Very difficult to go into deep meditation in this center.
If you are beginner and really want to learn meditation and change your life completely, then I highly recommend to go to Goenka vipassana center. If you are experienced mediator and want to have nice place to meditate, suan mokk is very good option.
After I finish retreat, I carry my bag and walk to monastery, they are not far to each other. I decide to stay in monastery for few days to slowly go out from deep meditation state.
I came to reception to register to stay. There is Asian hippie looks girl is waiting cue in front of me. She is looks like my friend who was chatting in Facebook with me before I enter to retreat. She was going through strong awakening process that time and I was supporting her by chatting.
But she is supposed to be working in farm in California right now, if she come to Thailand she would say it when we chat on Facebook.
This girl look back my side and it actually her!! She is in front of me somehow!!
We shout “Waaaaa!” And hug to each other. I was surprised and confused she is here. She said her awakening process is so strong, she try to explain to me by Facebook but she realize she cannot explain everything by chatting, she needs to talk directly face to face. Then she quit farm and jump on to airplane, flight from other side of planet to find me.
She didn’t know which meditation center I’m going, she asked friend and guess where I am, and just came here.
Things are just happen perfectly.
To be continued…